How Does a Child Experience Grief?
Imagine a world built on predictable routines, where loved ones are constants, and any household pets are playmates and constant companions. This is the world a child inhabits. Now, picture a crack appearing in that world—a loss that disrupts the familiar. This loss could be the death of a loved one, a pet passing away, a change in routine, or even a shift in family dynamics. This is grief, and for a child, it can be a confusing and overwhelming experience.
As adults, we understand death and loss.
We have the vocabulary and the life experience to navigate grief.
But children are still developing their relationship with feelings and how to express them. A child’s grief shifts and moves with their understanding of themselves, and the world. So, what should we know about how a child experiences grief, and how we can support them through it?
Understanding why children may experience grief
Grief isn't a one-size-fits-all experience – it's a complex tapestry woven with emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, and even guilt. But for children, how they express these emotions can be quite different from adults. Here's a look at some common types of loss children experience and how their grief might manifest:
Loss of a loved person
Loss of a pet
Moving to a new house or area
Loss of a routine
Changes in family dynamic
Loss of sense of self
Changing friendships
Traumatic events (global or personal)
Losing cultural or religious connections
Loss of security
What are the effects of grief on children?
Grief can manifest differently in children compared to adults, although its effects can be equally profound and long-lasting. Children may experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, and even numbness. Their feelings may change often in intensity and expression, overwhelming them (and you) as their behavior changes too. You might notice changes like withdrawal from the things they enjoy, unexplained irritability, increased separation anxiety, or regression of maturity.
On top of emotions, grief can have an impact on a child's physical health. They may experience symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, or changes in appetite and sleep patterns. These physical manifestations of grief are well documented in research, particularly for children who still think and feel with their whole selves.
Grief changes the whole brain, not just the feeling part. Loss can alter a child's cognitive development and you might see this reflected in their academic performance. You may notice they’re suddenly struggling to concentrate, having memory problems, or lacking motivation. These common cognitive effects of grief may impact their ability to learn and engage in school.
For some children, these impacts occur weeks, months, or even years after the loss. Delayed grief is more common for neurodivergent children but can happen to children who have experienced trauma, do not have their grief acknowledged, or are unable to express their emotions securely.
Understanding these effects can make a difference for grieving children, allowing you to see the signs that they need support. Grief knowledge will enable caregivers to recognize and address the unique needs of children experiencing loss with empathy and compassion.
What is grief disorder in children and why does it happen?
Not all childhood grief follows a smooth path. Prolonged Grief Disorder, also called complicated grief when it happens to children or adults, occurs when intense sorrow and longing for what’s been lost continues for so long that it interferes with their daily life.
It can happen due to various factors, including the sudden or traumatic loss of a loved one, a lack of adequate support during the grieving process, or pre-existing mental health conditions. Complicated grief requires specialized attention and intervention to help the child navigate through their grief and resume a healthier path of healing.
Supporting a grieving child: tools and techniques
The good news is that children are incredibly resilient. With the right support, they can navigate the waves of grief and emerge stronger. Here are some tips for supporting a grieving child:
Listen and Validate: One of the most important things you can do for a grieving child is to listen to them without judgment and validate their feelings. Let them know that it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused, and reassure them that you're there to support them through it all.
Encourage them to express their feelings: Children may not always have the words to articulate their emotions, so provide them with various outlets for expression, such as drawing, writing, or play therapy. Engaging in these activities can help them process their feelings in a safe and constructive manner.
Maintain a sense of routine: While it's essential to acknowledge and address the child's grief, maintaining a sense of normalcy in their daily routine can provide stability and comfort during a tumultuous time. Encourage them to participate in familiar activities and spend quality time with loved ones.
Explore memories on their terms: Help your child create positive memories of the person or pet they lost in a way that feels comfortable and accessible to them. You can use a memory jar, photo book, or dedicated time together to look at pictures, tell stories, or participate in a commemorative activity.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If a child's grief impacts their daily functioning or persists over an extended period, child counseling can support them in ways that will ease their discomfort and help expand their emotional vocabulary so they can heal. Trained professionals, like me, can provide specialized support and guidance tailored to their needs in a safe and supportive environment.
Grief is a natural part of life and is especially challenging for children. Each child's grief journey is unique, so approach with empathy, patience, and a willingness to provide unwavering support. But no matter what the child(ren) in your life have been through, there is no limit to the ways you can walk alongside them in this journey.
North Texas Child and Adult Counseling Center is here to help. Together, we can create a nurturing environment where children feel seen, heard, and valued as they navigate through the complexities of grief.
